I…have…to…say–THIS

I have to say this. I am confused.

I am utterly confused. I am unbalanced and thrown.

I feel like I should be rash–but,  maybe not.

I could call it off. I could draw deeper and harder lines.

I could…I could…I could do so many things other than this.

Other than feeling so confused.

I could calm down for one thing.

I could regain my balance for another.

I could stand my ground.

I could be braver without any regrets.

I could do this without compromising my self.

My esteem. I could do this without compromising–my esteem.

I could…I could…I could cry.

I don’t know why I feel like this. I am confronted by an abyss which shouldn’t fascinate me at all. I should be afraid–and I am. I should respect that fear. That feeling that something is wrong. Something is off about this whole thing. I should respect my instincts to shun and to turn away. I should. I should. I really want to. But, I fear the loneliness of being right. Isn’t that an interesting way to feel? The loneliness of being right. Its terrible to know the worst but hope for the best. The regret is…immobilizing. 

I could…I should…I would. I would take this confused frustration of mine and break it in half so that I could analyze and take power over it. I would look closely at how its probably really nothing. I would recognize it for cheap and childish manipulations–this imbalance– and then I would show it the wisdom of the ages and simply let it go. I could do that. I would do that. I should do just that. I hope I can do JUST THAT.

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